micki portrait Micki's Perspective

An early "swim by".

Big hug.

Kisses from Thunder and Echo. There is also a larger version of this image.

The picture Mom refers to at right.

With Thunder.

Thunder took a shine to Mom.

photos by Blake.

  by Micki - February 19, 1999

Initially when my caring family practitioner told me the MRI showed a space-occupying mass in the lower right quadrant of my brain, I felt assured that this dark invader had appeared to teach me some important life lessons and then would leave. Sometimes I still believe the part about the lessons although I'm not sure about the ending.

I find myself every day learning about letting go, and about letting in the overwhelming messages of love. As someone who likes to be in control and in good health, you can imagine how strange this all has been for me. I had to let go of St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church a month before the end of my interim. I've had to let go of "my" kitchen, my email, my body as chunks of hair have left my head where radiation entered it. My hands shake. I feel weak in the knees, though I do enjoy walking. My energy disappears on occasion morning, afternoon, and evening. Unfamiliar nausea limited my usual hearty appetite.

Now that the fortieth and final radiation has been completed and a final radiosurgery (big dose of radiation) ruled out, I am feeling stronger and stronger. A wall of fatigue still hits, reminding me to repeat a friend's mantra, "Get horizontal," and take what we call a "yie down."

I am doing the best I can to fight this aggressive cancer and understand that the outcome is not in my control. During my radiation treatments, I pictured your good wishes and prayers as a beam of light which vaporized the tumor. I continue to visualize the power of love evaporating the tumor. I'm told the radiation continues to work for two weeks after the last treatment. I know that your loving thoughts will continue to help as well for weeks to come. I will be working with cancer counselors in California from February 23 to March 5.

I want to share this gift, "A prayer for prayer," by Rabbi Sheldon Zimmerman.

Oh My God
My soul's companion
My heart's precious friend
I turn to You.

I need to close out the noise
To rise above the noise
The noise that interrupts-
The noise that separates-
The noise that isolates.
I need to hear You again.

In the silence of my innermost being,
In the fragments of my yearned-for wholeness,
I hear whispers of Your presence-
Echoes of the past when You were with me
When I felt Your nearness
When together we walked-
When You held me close, embraced me in Your love,
laughed with me in my joy.
I yearn to hear You again.

In your oneness, I find healing.
In the promise of Your love, I am soothed.
In Your wholeness, I too can become whole again.

Please listen to my call-
    help me find the words
    help me find the strength within
    help me shape my mouth, my voice, my heart
so that I can direct my spirit and find You in prayer...

Sometimes I too cry out to feel God's presence in the midst of this confusing and challenging time. I do believe the promise from scripture that all things work for the good for those who love God. No matter what happens to me, I have been richly blessed by loving family and friends.

The photos of me with two wonderful dolphins show you my tearful gratitude to Thunder and Echo for their attentive presence and for their sonar/echo-location which I believe can improve the overall healthiness of my brain. If any of you knows of a research project with dolphins and cancer patients, I would be most interested to hear of it and be part of it. I look forward to swimming with dolphins again in May in the Florida Keys.

With deep gratitude for all of your healing thoughts, energy, love, and prayers,


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